8 oct 2010

since tht day on..im back where i started. alone,just me,who cares..but i think i love the way i are right now. lets think the positive way..no one to blame, no one to worry n u can do whtevr, go wherevr, with whoever u wnt without asking permission, without someone who will mad at u? tht's so live life uh? now, i really need to fix my life..a lot of things i left behind. i need them back.. dont want to look back.dont have to think about the past. im sure i can do better without 'love'. im sick of it. there's a bunch of stuff i can do instead of dying looking for someone who can lend his shoulder for me to cry on. i dont need that!! i have my beautiful family, my amazing friends..who need u?urgh..

Better off without u

U n me r just human,u hate me,u never like me,u only see my weaknesses n always pushing me down. i can't do anything about it. sigh..Im tired, tired of pleasing people,n keep hoping tht u can accept me n love me more.all r useless. At the end,im sitting alone n Im gonna start all over again. Is it so hard to be loved? huh..i don't care anymore. Im better off without you! I have done what i can, n that's all i can do best. u can't accept that, then it's not my problem anymore. Just hoping u r doing the right thing. and im telling u..once i moved on i will never look back again.I won't remember u, i won't missing u, n definitely never see ur face again. why? cause u really broke my heart n making me hopeless n heartless. But i still Thank u 4 tht,without ths experience frm u,myb i will never realize how valuable my life is. So go on.....run! scramp! back off! n believe me ths time, i won't chase u..again!

Sob...Im all out of love. But im not lost without u. now i just need myself n nobody else. To the lost, to the last, to the least..have a sprinkle of hope. I may not be of what u are, i may not be shinning star but i thanked the Lord for making me His child. Thank you lord for abuse me n seduce me.. thank you lord for hearing my every pray, thank you lord for just being there, thank you lord for i am not worthy of ur love..

...then i will change for life

Ever love someone so much tht u don't even think about urself? ever love someone until he said his life's sucks because of u? That was really rude. huh im done. Done with all tht. better pretend tht i hv no one to love n i cant be loved at all. i guess that will serve me well. myb im stupid enough to let myself begging for love but in d mean time, he always think tht im no good 4 him. Im no one!
im so broken into pieces. I really am being honest al ths time.ya i tried! but never appreciated. Mayb im not perfect enough 4 u. n know wht? i will never b wht u always mock me!mark my words.
oh well..i have to live my own anywhere. i need to learn to let u go n let u b happy on what u do.i mean no harm frm d beginning of our 'hardship'.but it ends ths way.. i knew u don't hv tht feeling anymore.so why still stay? n i know u're goin to make my heart broke, but why i still can act dunno. u often hinted me tht u're not happy with me, but y i still force u to be wth me!! am i tht crazy 4 u? sigh..i really hope tht God can just pick a finger n i will forget all about u, all about my past instantly..n never will look back again,never! cause i know,i am not a good girl, my past already killed me.i am dead,ugly,hopeless,helpless,n forgotten. i hate to look back,but i always did.
Somehow,i need to step forward.i love my family so much n i wont disappointing em . To mom n dad,i wont let u down again. after all i've been through u're still standing for me.im so blessed..thank God. Now, i really need to change my personality n my mind. If u want to go then GO. Without u, i still need to go on right. mybe..just mybe someday thre will b someone who willing to love me like i do love him....N I KNOW before tht i need to dumped out all d jealousy, all unforgiven, all confusion,all blaming other people for my own mistake,get rid all d poison tht stopping me whats God about to pouring into my life. Dear God pls give me a new way of looking into my circumstances. By You,after ths thre will be blessings, there will be miracles, there will be apportunities, n yes it's gonna be some struggles,it's gonna be some troubles, it's gonna be some tests..but even the struggles aren't an apportunity to show off my victory if my mind can handle the CHANGE.
Im gonna made up my mind, im gonna be happy, im gonna be healthy then i ever be, i cant role the clock back, but wht i've got left im gonna maximize it, I WILL REJOICE.

Stupid? Who's 'STUPID'?

In the neighbourhood..midnight..silence..

Suddenly in d middle of no where a big sound bang on the ceiling.and still coming,getting louder n stop..then hit again n stop.. Hum..here we go again. SOMEBODY ARE IN THE FIGHT. n guess who? are they the bastard teenagers or those drunken monster? None of em are. It is the 'HWB' (Husband-Wife-Battle)!

Wht i cant stand the most is to hear a child crying. Child keeps on crying n the parent keeps on fighting. He shouted "U r so stupid,y dont u ever use ur brain hah,if u cant use it then just kill urself la!!!! u r so0o0 stupid!!! I want u to think!! i want u to think!!!"

URghhhh!! tht phrase really makes my blood boiling n my heart wants to explode like the volcano! I cant hear any of the wife's voice,mayb she want to keep her mouth shut n thought d husband can calm down. but he didn't! He keeps on shouting telling his wife how stupid she is n go on with d smashing things.

God damit! I really hates people with a high temper n like throwing things when they get mad!!! what is the point of doing that?! trying to show that u are the boss! or U ARE THE MOST STUPID GUY EVER,BUT U DONT REALIZE IT N THOUGHT THAT U ARE SO MANLY N PROUD! heiyaa!! n yelling she's stupid? But i guess u dont aware that 1 guy who is 100% stupid is YOU! Did u know tht u r living with people around u with their families n children n YES they are sleeping n resting! but u shouting like a pig n smashing things like bastard moron! ur child is there with u n WHAT? U wanted to show ur young children ur inner behavior on how to hit ur wife, mock ur wife n destroy d household? Is ur wife's not good enough 4 u after taking care of ur needs,cloths,ur hunger n ur children?!! DAMN U! I hope guys like u burn in hell with ths shit!

what kind of life it could be..

Im so thank god of being here today..well..still breathing..my eyes still can see things..hear things..smell things.. smtimes i think i dont deserve al ths specialty.(evn though im not that special),i think God treats me so good,so damn good until i forgot what i've been through al ths time ait..huh tht was totally 'The Stupidity of Me!'. In the matter of fact..there are still some stuff that i wanted to change but i cant or maybe im too slow to make a move..guess im so tired of trying. Trying to satisfy people around me, trying so hard to be somebody they want me to be but when i did(i think i did) n still they say it doesn't good enough to make em feel good. Then? what else i can do about it?u know i cannot just transform myself like those movies u watched. Somehow i wanted to go far away frm here just to b alone with somebody who really love me the way i am instead of keep pushing me down. I always giving people an advise or mayb an encouragement in their life(im very good in tht) and guess wht? it does work for em., but who will give me that kind of advise or maybe just a simple words tht come frm their heart?sincere words...?? emm..I know i always can speak to God..but He always didn't answer me back,0 mean directly..then always..i figured it out myself.(n still....i know tht come frm Him).